mar 14 2026 // diary
cw: brief discussion of EDs and ED treatment
Hello lovely folks of the internet!
It's been awhile since my last diary entry. I have to admit that I have a habit of picking up hobbies and dropping them as soon as I start. Which is why I edited the living hell out of my website within the first week I made it then let it sit for months on end! But I really want to continue adding to this site and writing on here. This will be a life update and reflection entry. I realize that I haven't shared much about my life on my site yet so I guess this entry is more for me to organize my thoughts. Anyways.
Have you ever met someone that has a billion different things going on in their life? The person that just keeps having things happen to them back-to-back? I feel like that was my life nearly three years ago. I had just separated from my long-term boyfriend, moved back home with my parents, quit my job - and then things just kept piling on top of that. It's like, imagine trying to cope with such a major shift and then something absurd happens like... a parent tells you on your birthday that someone died or that they were getting a divorce. I have no way other way to describe it, it was just one strange unfortunate thing after the other for awhile. Things came to a head when my anorexia became something I could no longer ignore and I had to be partially hospitalized for it. I decided that it would probably be good to go to treatment because... I was told to, I guess. Partial hospitalization meant I would be at a facility for 5 days a week for about 7 hours a day. I told my new job that I would be absent for an indefinite amount of time and started treatment.
I will spare you the details of what being in ED treatment is like but let me just say, doing therapy 4+ times a week was something. My treatment team did a combination of CBT, ERP, IFS and RO-DBT. It was intense. And I did it for 3 months straight. Looking back, I'd actually consider 3 months a pretty short time to be in treatment but damn was it exhausting! I finally was discharged in early December 2024, when I started to become increasingly bored in my therapy sessions and it felt like I was just wasting my time there (and money - holy crap treatment is EXPENSIVE). I wished my fellow treatment peers well on my last day and walked home. Finally, I could return to my life and start building something new after everything I had to deal with.
Unfortunate things stopped happening to me. My mind was finally quiet again. I returned to work and resumed my life. Things slowly started to become more mundane? It was like I was previously on high alert and now nothing was happening. I kept waiting for something to happen yet nothing did. Some good things actually started to happen to me instead which was nice. It's a weird feeling going from something so intense to just nothing happening. Which brings us to the present...
My life is not completely monotonous nowadays. I definitely still have some big stressors, but they aren't really unique. Of course there are things that bring me joy too like my relationships and hobbies. But there is something that I feel like just needs to change or happen. It's like when everything was happening TO me, I had no choice but to make a decision and react. But nowadays it feels like I really have to push hard to make huge life changes. I know this is just how life is, but I'll admit I'm a little scared to make the jump to change things for the better. There are some decisions that I have been putting off for awhile now and I think I'm done avoiding them.
So I guess the big question is, what will I do next in my life? What next?
...Let me get back to you on that one LOL. I think I have a few ideas but I don't want to get ahead of myself :P